Dear friend,
I have been afraid to send this to you. It feels too personal. I want us to get to know each other better and that requires me to let you in on a few things.
As an artist there is a question that I have never been able to answer. "Why do I make art?". It seems like I should easily be able to answer this. Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching (maybe pandemics cause that) to figure out what set me and my personality on an artistic path. This is where my journey gets a bit complex.
One scenario kept creeping into my mind and it didn't seem to be connected to my art. But it nagged at me. It was moment when I was about 4 years old and chasing my little brother. He had a toy golf club and I wanted it. Of course he didn't want to let it go. So we ran around the table laughing and chasing till it went bad. He tripped and fell and hit his head - blood was everywhere. Chaos ensued. He needed stitches. And I was terrified and sure that I was to blame. How does this matter to my art?
This moment was the first time I felt guilty and terrified. I judged myself, and years later my brothers would repeat this story knowing it would push my buttons. And it did!
I am certain this shaped my view of myself. I became the master of snap judgments. I judged myself, my emotions, and the world around me, mostly harshly. I avoided blame like the plague. I tried to always appear to be "good" and "fearless" which was of course not true.
This contributed to a lot of later life decisions that were less than healthy. Many years, many misjudgments, and many mistakes later I started to realize my judgements were not only misguided but were preventing me from really connecting with others and being deep down happy. That was a turning point.
I committed to being honest and kind with myself. I still judge quickly but am definitely aware when this happens and try to check myself. I don't think I will ever be rid of this trait and I do know there are times when judgment is necessary.
Now I definitely have more compassion towards myself and others. Others who may have situations that skew their opinions and outlook the way mine did. Compassion for those who may not look out at the world and see beauty, serenity and love because their view is blocked by their own judgments. Now I can weigh my judgments.
Through all of this I realized that drawing and making art was where I first could let go of my judgment and be truly myself, a flawed, imperfect person in an imperfectly beautiful world full of flawed, imperfectly lovable people, like me. It gives me the courage to be myself out in the real world.
Art always surprises me in where it takes me emotionally. It is a revealing process that I hope you enjoy sharing with me. Who knows where it will takes us next!
Sincerely,
Sue
